There are moments in life that are sometimes impossible to prepare for , and the heartache that follows can almost leave you breathless. On my way to work Thursday I passed by the Gilbert Temple...wow, is it beautiful. They were laying the sod . When I got to work, I text Scott , told him where I was , and about the Temple. I usually get a wake up call from that sweet guy every morning as he heads in to the office , but not this day. Looking back over that day my heart just aches....he called several times wondering if I was home , but each time he called I seemed to be driving somewhere . Late that day I decided to call him, after all, I was almost home...He answered the phone and asked where I was , And once again I was passing that gorgeous Gilbert Temple . When I drive pass that every day, I can't help but be reminded of the blessings that come from within those walls. It always is a sweet reminder that our families are bound in the Heavens for the eternities.
We talked as I drove home , and then like I often do , I sit in the car and talk some more ( I could talk to him for hours ) he gave a gentle nudge to go inside ....I had to laugh a little because he just insisted that I go inside....he knew that I had stopped and got Baxter something to eat and said he was just trying to make sure his food was still warm :) ....He's kind of thoughtful that way :) I walked inside and as I walked in my room he said he had something to tell me , my heart sunk....I closed my door , and the words that followed took my breath away. 6 kids....3 boys, 3 girls he has raised since they were young . And when he talks about them you don't even have to see his smile because you can hear it in his voice. One of the things I love about him most is the love for his kids :) As he uttered the words..."Sean passed away last night" my heart sank , this is not what was supposed to happen , your children are not supposed to go to Heaven first ....
How grateful I am for Scott's sweetness , that reminded me it is just for a little while , that he will see him again. I am grateful for the rock he is on the outside while on the inside his world is crushed.
I have thought over the last few days about being a parent , we get to experience a lot of emotions as we go throughout our lives , and a lot of them our children never see. They don't know how many nights we stay awake from the time they are fresh from heaven clear till the time they leave our home ....... I think it is even more after thy move out! They don't get to see the tears we cry on their behalf , the joy you feel when they accomplish and achieve great things . The don't hear the thousands of silent pleadings that we offer up to the Lord , and I don't think they ever understand the love we have for them is the deepest of all loves. And that love doesn't change just because we get upset or even angry....it's that kind of love that has no end. My heart just breaks for him and the kids .... life will be a little different ... knowing that Families are Forever will mean a little more and touch their hearts in a more profound way . Times like this , test our hearts , our strength , and our faith . It is through that faith that we can say with conviction , "Till we meet again" . I know that God has provided a way, that while we may be separated for time .... We will be together for eternity. How blessed I am to know that while we have heartache that takes us to our knees , that we have a God that will help us to rise , stand tall , and move forward with faith . I truly do have a "WONDERFUL LIFE"
Holy Moly.....time to take a deep breath and regroup....Have you ever had those moments when you feel like the whole world is crashing in around you , and that you can hardly breathe ? It seems as though my life is often going from fire to fire....Just when I think I have put out the flames and take an ever so needed deep breath another fire starts to burn. Reflecting back on the last week there have been moments where I just have to cry , and I have to admit I have even asked "why me?" I really need to quit having these "Pity Parties" , because undoubtedly I am the only one invited !! And who wants to go to a party where not only are you the host , the caterer , the guest of honor , but you are also the clean-up crew :) I have so much to be grateful for, and am thankful for the sweet tender reminders how blessed I am. Amidst all the heartache , the tears , the sleepless nights ..... There are those moments that stop me dead in my tracks and remind me how truly blessed I am . I have 3 kids , and an amazing son-in-law that give me gray hairs , but give me the biggest smile a mom could wish for , a sweet guy that listens to me cry , makes me laugh harder than I have ever laughed , and melts my heart when he calls me Darlin' .... I get to work with some pretty incredible men , and I am so blessed to have the family and friends that I do. So I decided to re-ask that question that I have been asking this past week....And instead of asking "Why me?" I will instead say with conviction, Why not me. I can do this . I am grateful for a God that loves his children . I am grateful for his son Jesus Christ , who through him we can magnify ourselves and make weak things strong. How often I forget what matters most , and those are the relationships that we build with others.... the stuff that we have or don't have is just "stuff" , but the relationships we are blessed with go on forever . I once heard that when we come to the end of our life we will not utter the words I wish I had a bigger house , a nicer car , I wish I had worked more at my job , that I had cleaned my house more ..... Instead we might hear , I wish I had spent more time with my children , my family .....my friends , I wish I had taken more time to kiss someone softly on the cheek , wipe away a tear , tell someone how incredibly amazing they are , and just to simply love someone for exactly who they are . I know without any doubt that despite the trails that come my way , that are sometimes harder than I think I can handle , ALWAYS have a silver lining....the key is to find it , hold on to it tight .....because that might just be the moment that gets you through the next "Why me" so you can say "why not me..I can do this!" How humbled I am to have this "WONDERFUL LIFE" .
How do people stay married for ever and stay happy, how do they seem to stay in love ? I have asked myself this question over and over throughout my life....I think more since my divorce, but the thought has always been there. I was on the treadmill one morning the blinds were open, music was playing in the background , sun was out...beautiful day...as I walked on the treadmill I saw an older couple , like I'm talking really really old walk by, headed to the pool for an early morning swim. The wife was in a bright pink suit, and he wore a pair of swim shorts that sported the American flag....My first thought how slow they moved , then my mind quickly went to the bright pink bathing suit on what was one of the tannest Grandmas I have ever seen...and oh how cute she was ! She walked up to the gate and waited for her husband who moved a little slower than she did to arrive at the gate. She patiently waited as he struggled to reach the handle and to use his key to open the gate. As he Held the gate open for her she walked in...only for him to smack her on the behind as she passed by.... Oh my heck , I think I could not have smiled any bigger....He loves her I thought , he has to love her. I watched them as they got settled in to what seemed to be their morning routine. He took her towel and laid it on the chair , he took her shoes and put them by his.... and then as she waited at the edge of the pool , he walked over and held her hand as she walked down the steps...As I continued to walk , and of course watch this cuteness from a distance.....I decided I wanted to know...I wanted to know, did he really love her like I thought ? Did she still love him ? Soooooo, curiosity got the best of me :) I got off the treadmill and went out there, not quite knowing what was going to come out of my mouth when I got there. As I walked up to the pool I stood at the edge....I think I caught them off guard , I sat down on the steps of the pool and asked them if I could hear some of their story....And that is exactly what I got. I got a glimpse in to the life of a 94 year old man who loves his 91 year old "sweetheart" as he calls her and a marriage that was 64 YEARS strong. I was so taken back by the soft sweetness he had towards her , and how she still lit up and smiled when she talked about him. I loved that while they had different ideas on what made the last 64 years great....they painted the exact same picture on HOW it was done. He said "It's simple, you just make the choice to love each other , and then never question that choice again." And she said "Do the simple things that will make him happy". While divorce has been the hardest thing in my life and my 22 years does not hold a candle to their 64 years I am still grateful for the things I have learned , the trails that molded me and the fire that refined me in to who I am. I want what they have , I want the "Love you to the moon and back" kind of love, I want to count stars.....And for sure I want a "Once upon a time" that will end up being my "Happily ever after" . Through the ups and downs of it all , the easy and the hard , the good and the bad.....I still know I have been blessed with a "WONDERFUL LIFE".....my life:)
Today was just an ordinary day, or so I thought.....little did I know when my day started, that by the end of the day I would have learned one of life's most profound lessons all over again. As I reflect on the day I am reminded of the many blessings that are in my life. I think our Father in Heaven gives us these tender mercies day after day, year after year to teach us over and over till it has sunk in so deep that we know it is true. After work today Breck and I decided to spend some mom and daughter time having a little fun . As we were getting ready to head back home , I decided to take a "short cut" ... as I headed through a neighborhood, Breck reminded me I was going the wrong way , I of course being the stubborn driver that I am kept going getting more and more off track. We finally got to a area we were familiar with and she said "mom, lets just go eat dinner before we go home".....so off to dinner we went. Had some good laughs and chatted about life. I love that girl, she often reminds me how good life can be. I love her innocent faith and belief in what life has to offer. As we got back in the car and headed home we drove down a road that soon became sparse from the retail bling, the neighborhoods filled with homes , the busy life. We just seem to be chatting up a storm....when all of the sudden there became a quiet hush come over the car. we drove about a quarter of a mile , and just as I started to slow down to turn around she said "mom we need to go back" . I said "I know we do".....the silent hush was a quiet moment that sinks deep in your heart, when you know that you are given that moment to choose to serve, or not to serve. Ronald Reagan said, "we can not help everyone, but everyone can help someone" . Along that empty stretch of road, walked an old man, tattered and torn... a little worse for wear...a little broken, but a spirit that would soon fill our lives with gratitude for the blessings that are ours. I asked him were he was headed...he said "home". I said "It's hot out here, what do you say we take you home?" . He stood at the window and gave me a soft punch to my arm and said "Red, That would be great...I'm tired and I'm hot". As he got in to the back seat, a man pulled directly in front of me and walked up to the window and handed him a jug of water, and then said to me "God bless you for what you do". The old guy "Gary" leaned forward and patted me on the shoulder and said "he will you know". ( made me cry...but what doesn't make me cry these days:) We drove about 4 miles down the road as he directed us where to go, and soon on to a dirt road that lead us to a storage yard / scrap yard. He told us that he lived in a trailer at the back of the property, and that he appreciated the ride home. He said he was sorry he couldn't pay us to bring him home. He was a sweet old man, that life for sure has left its mark on. He got out of the car and took his bag that had a few things he had walked down to good ol' Wal Mart to get. As he stood at my window and thanked me again, I asked "what else do you need?" His reply was a simple "you have done enough" I said "we would like to do more, what do you need?" ....after moments of hesitation he responded, " I could really use a jar of Mayonnaise, I have tuna, I love tuna...but it gets old eating just plain tuna with no mayo...and I could use a loaf of bread...I mean I still have some, but it has some mold on it, that I don't mind cutting off, but it's just a little old" ....Those words came back to mind, "we can not help every one, but everyone can help someone." I told him I would be back later tonight with that bread and mayo. His response "I'll be waiting for ya' ." I think as we drove back down that dirt road we lost a million tears. We talked about how we get caught up in our own "Pity Parties" and that you don't have to look very far to be reminded of just how blessed we truly are. We made a few phone calls, and by the end of the night had enough food to last him for weeks. I am grateful for the good family and friend that bless my life. I am grateful that as we seek to look beyond ourselves and serve others, that in reality we find ourselves. I was taught early on to recognise the Lord's hand in all things, and to give thanks to our Father in Heaven for the blessings that he so abundantly pours down upon us. They are there, we just have to sometimes shut the world out in order to see just how truly blessed our lives really are. I am humbled by those who walk this life that are less fortunate than most. I am humbled by a loving Father in Heaven that gives us these moments to choose... to "Choose ye this day whom ye shall serve. " I am ever so humbled by a little old man named "Gary" that has left an imprint on our lives, an imprint of life's tender mercies. I have been blessed. While some of my trials have kept me on my knees in prayer for months, they have also refined me in ways that I could not have done on my own. I know that it is through the service that we lend to our fellow man that our lives are blessed. With out a doubt, I truly do have a "WONDERFUL LIFE."
22 years has come and gone. Where did the time go...It just seems like yesterday that we brought Kustome home, 4 years later came Breck , and then 4 years after Breck, Baxter pulled up the end... Kustome recently moved out and Breck is getting married next week. Kind of tugs on my heart strings a bit. I knew this day would come....just is a little harder than I expected. . I am so truly blessed to be a Mom..Can't think of anything that has made me smile more than these precious kids. I am grateful to a Father in Heaven who entrusted them to me. I have often thought , when they leave home will they remember what they have been taught. Will they remember how much they are loved , thought about , worried about....I hope they will always remember that they were this Mom's greatest blessing. Its crazy to think that not long ago it was diapers and trike's, big rubber balls, a gazillion baby dolls...and match box cars. We grew into cd's, ipods, and cell phones...scooters. quads, and then cars. Sometimes for a moment I wish I could go back to the smell of baby powder, little chunky baby cheeks , Gerber applesauce and pears....night time prayers when you tuck them in, and of course all the laughter, the door being left open ( so you can yell "were you born in a barn?) and candy wrappers that are tucked in the couch from that dang kid named "it wasn't me"...these are the moments I will miss. The saying is true...."don't blink" it really does come faster than we think. I am so grateful for this "Wonderful Life".
I recently had the chance to serve the homeless people at one of the soup kitchens in Mesa. What a humbling experience it was. When I was ready to leave I asked what were some of their needs.... They said that they were almost out of water , and if there was one thing I could help them with , it would be water. I asked them how much they needed ... he said "a lot , like 50 cases" I told him I had a lot of good friends and that I would bring him 200 cases . As I left there I thought to myself how would it be to carry every thing you owned in a back back... to go to a soup kitchen to eat every meal ...and to have such a need for something as simple as water. It made me cry ( I seem to do that easily :) ) This past week has been nothing short of incredible.... I asked some pretty amazing people if they would help me .... and they all did . How did I get so lucky to have such great people in my life . The night before I promised them I would bring them , I was 8 cases short , I thanked my Father in Heaven that night for all the people that helped me to get the water , and asked that I would have the opportunity to try again . The next morning I had 2 cases sitting on my door step , then about an hour later 6 more showed up .... Holy cow , this was it ..the hundred cases I told them I would bring . I got a text about 30 minutes later from one of my best friends in the world . He said " I left you 10 cases of water on your front porch" . I am thankful that not only did we all make something happen... but when we pull together we do beyond sometimes what is asked . I am grateful for service , I am grateful that there are times like this that I get a glimpse of the hearts of others . I am thankful for a Father in Heaven that has blessed this girl with some incredible friends and truly a "WONDERFUL LIFE".
Date : May 31st 2012 ... I thought to my self holy cow June 1st is already here....for a moment it took my breath away , this was going to be my first June 1st in 23 years to be alone. I wasn't ready for this...I wasn't ready to be alone . I was soooo not wanting to have to experience this day. I wanted to skip over it and pretend that it never happened. I have wondered on many occasions , when is the heartache of divorce going to go away. Someone once said that divorce puts a hole in your heart that never really goes away. I'ts kind of like your "First Love" ..never goes away , just gets tucked away deep in your heart. No matter how you want to look at things , putting life back together is hard, and I just wasn't wanting to spend this day thinking of the past, I wanted a memory I would never forget, and I got just that. I asked KM what he was doing the next day....of course..he was busy. I told him that he should tell his date that his friend needed him more. And what a sweet guy he was , he text me back and said we could do something....what he didn't know, was what I wanted to do. I probably should have told him first but I was a little afraid that he would say no. " So, what would you like to do " he said.... ME; I want to see, and to listen to the ocean at night...His reply " The what?" ... ME: It has sand, water, waves...you know this big thing just off the coast of San Diego . Now he knew what he was getting in to , and the dang sweet guy said " OK, lets go to the ocean" ( friends don't get much better that this) ..... So, ..... The next afternoon we met after work and headed to Cali . We went to the beach on Coronado Island ( I love love Coronado Island ) .He probably thought I was a little crazy , but this is something i have forever wanted to do....little does he know what it really meant. I think I might have drove him nuts... Because I for sure talked his ear off , crazy thing is , he never complained 1 time , just went with it and let me have my moment in time . When we got to the beach Friday night it was a little chilly...probably 55 , nice change from what we had that day in AZ....a nice warm 113 , gotta love that heat!!! The walk down to the ocean was incredible , the fog had just begun to roll in , so the sky was a little hazy , the smell of the ocean and the sound of the waves sunk deep in my heart .I thought to myself , I cant believe this guy would do this for me , I am in awe ...why did anyone ever let him go . After getting divorced life turns up side down, i began to question and wonder about a lot of things. It is so very true that divorce is just as hard maybe even harder than death....because it doesn't have a end , at least if there are children involved....just goes on and on. Over the last 6 months I have had such an overwhelming need to connect with God , I have felt such a need to know more of him , and to understand the grand design of why we are here. I believe that each one of us , this great land that we live , and the oceans that surround us are some of Gods greatest creations . That night standing at the edge of the water was such an incredibly moving experience. Where else can you go to see the earth meet the water , and to look out as far as you can .....to have the water meet the night time sky. . How powerful our God is , and how grateful I am to be his daughter . There are moments in our lives where sometimes things are made a little more clear....this was one of those times. I am thankful to a guy that has no idea what I struggle with in my life , or what I needed at that moment , but was still willing to make something happen just because I asked him . I am grateful to a loving Father in Heaven whom I am blessed to see his hand in my life . These are the moments when i get to look back and say.... " I really do have an incredibly "WONDERFUL LIFE"
